i barfeds in our rink
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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