Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
