in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
