I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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