Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
