I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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