my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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