also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
sex in a hospital.. check
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize