the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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