Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I wish you could order shots online.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Randomize
