You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
