I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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