I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
