I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize