how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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