I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
this boner is exhausting
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
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