i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
