The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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