There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
