After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
