WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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