Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
