I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Sober January is a disaster.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
