when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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