Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
