answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I have aggressive nipples.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
