when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
