I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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