I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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