Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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