I wish I only lived at night.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
