Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
