we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
