girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize