he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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