So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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