your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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