Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She's the barista slut.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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