Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
