after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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