Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
