I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
