I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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