Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
