I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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