just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
