Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
