dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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