My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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