No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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