allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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