i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
