when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
