I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
