I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize