People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
