were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
