So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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