i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
