I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
