I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Did I show you my penis last night?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
